Mental Health Counseling Indianapolis Indiana

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Are you a Good Enough Parent?
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Because I see children, I am often asked questions about parenting. Some are very specific, asking about how to handle a behavioral issue like anger or doing homework. Other times, the questions are more general and it feels like the parent is looking for my approval. Without actually asking the question, they are wondering, “Am I doing it right”, “Will my child be harmed because I work?” or here’s what Tommy or I did in response to this situation- “Are we normal?” It seems that our ideas of good parenting are shaped by many different influences. Of course , our parents’ ideas of parenting shape our own but things were so different when we were children that it is hard to compare. Men weren’t expected to be as involved, if they were involved at all and fewer women were in the workforce. Society shapes our ideas of what is expected now but messages may be mixed depending on one’s social or economic surroundings. At times, especially with middle class families, parenting feels like a competition. My child got into this school or plays this sport competitively or is in these extracirricullar activities. Grades and test scores become public know ledge and at times feel more like a reflection of the parents’ performance than the child. The above discussion doesn’t even address yet another complication. The parent who was poorly parented and knows they want to do things differently but does not have a close role model. How does one know the best way to parent? Assuming that there are no problems with physical, verbal or sexual abuse and your child is safe, here are some guidelines to assure a parent that they are doing it right. 1. There is no RIGHT way to do it. All parents do the best they can given their own stage of development.2. There is no PERFECT parent, nor should a parent try to be perfect. In fact, according to researcher D.W. Winnicott, it is imperative that we fail our children at times so that they develop resilience and skills to take care of themselves in the real world.3. What is important, according to Winnicott is that we be a GOOD ENOUGH parent. This means meeting the needs of the child enough so that they understand that in general, the world is a reliable place and that others can be trusted.4. This goal can be accomplished whether you work or stay home. A parent who is dissatisfied with their own situation will project this disatisfaction on to their children and won’t be as emotionally available.5. Be intentional about the values that you want to pass along to your children and model them in your life.6. Provide firm and consistent discipline. Children need their parents to be parents and not permissive friends.Be open to other’s way s of parenting and recognize that there is no one way of doing it. Follow your intuition and do the best you can. An elderly woman in front of you is driving 25 miles per hour as you rush to work. How do you react? Your child spills his drink all over your newly cleaned floor. How do you react? These and many other every day situtations are enough to get some people very angry. Yet others would be unfazed or react calmly. What is the difference between these two types of people and how can the angry reactor modify his behavior? Anger is a secondary emotion that commonly masks other more vulnerable emotions. Feelings like hurt, jealousy, guilt and sadness for some are more easily expressed through anger. Even if the emotion is unstated, it is often easier to feel angry at someone than acknowledge that they hurt your feelings. The problem with anger is that it often gets out of control. If expressed too aggresively it can hurt others and damage relationships. If unexpressed and held in, it can manifest itself physcially through headaches or other somatic symptoms. Also unexpressed anger seems to feed itself and grow and at times may begin to feel like an obsession. So what should we do with our anger? Anger is a normal reaction to many events. It should be validated and recognized but in order to express it in a healthy way, it should be examined. Here are some questions to ask yourself when thinking about your anger. Is my feeling of anger proportionate to its trigger? In other words, do you get just as angry when your kids spill a drink as you do when they talk back to you? If so, you might think about what else is feeding your anger. What do you do when you are angry? Do you throw things, fume silently or attack others? Have relationships been effected by your anger? If there are negative consequences after an an anger filled event it might be worth examining the origins of your anger. What triggers my anger? Is it the little things that push you over the edge? I s there a feeling that triggers anger? For example, do you lash out when you begin to feel vulnerable or guilty. Understanding one’s tirggers is the first step in modifying behavior. How do I feel when I start to get angry? It is easier to calm down when feeling a little angry. If you can begin to notice how your body feels as you begin to get angry, you can use other techniques to calm yourself down before the anger accelerates. What works to calm me down? Pay attention to ways that have worked in the past. Some examples are listening to music, taking a walk or using humor. Anger is a common and complicated emotion. If your anger is negatively impacting important relationships in your life or you are using alcohol or drugs to calm yourself, seek professional help in examining the sources of your anger. In the 35 years I have worked with clients, I've learned that our lives can change instantly. Sudden death, life threatening diagnosis, accidents, job loss, marriage, or divorce can shake us at our inner core. I also know that conflicts in relationships can be devastating and confusing. I strive to provide a safe, caring, compassionate and professional environment for you to work and find solutions. Feel free to call for a brief telephone consultation (no charge) to determine if I'm the right person to help you with your concerns. Membership: Indiana Oncology Social Workers; National Association of Social Workers. marriage and family therapy, individual consultation and coaching, pastoral psychotherapy, certified imago relationship therapist I have been working with people in the context of their families, culture and social economic status for over 17 years. To do this I provide individual and family counseling, marital therapy and pre-marital counseling as well as divorce recovery in a safe, supportive enviroment. Common concerns you may experience include: depression, anxiety, difficulty sleeping (emotional issues), trouble adjusting to transitions such as aging, children as they reach adolescence, changes in relationships or work. If you are experiencing any of these issues, professional intervention is usually helpful. I have a great deal of experience with child development and parenting issues as well. This lesson highlights the skills of polite language in children’s interactions with others. A child is demonstrated demanding something from another child and thus not getting her needs met. After instruction from the mentor, she requests rather than demands and uses courteous language, resulting in her achieving her desired result. Also demonstrated is the use of the language of gratitude after a child is disappointed in a gift he receives. Once again, the theme is demonstrated that we can behave courteously even if we feel negative emotion (e.g., disappointment).

 
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