Mental Health Counseling Indianapolis Indiana

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  This simple phrase from author Steven Covey speaks to the most critical part of effective communication - to first understand the other.  Three simple steps are critical to effective listening and understanding : Mirroring, Validating and Empathizing.  They are the first and necessary steps to resolving relationship conflict and increasing connection.

Mirroring:  For meaningful communication to happen, each person must not only be heard, they must also know - be told and assured - that they are being heard.  If I am not certain that you heard and understood what I just said, I am not likely to be receptive to hearing what you have to say. To the contrary, I am more likely to keep trying to tell you my message over and over, sometimes in different ways, in hopes that I will finally know I have been heard.  Not feeling heard can be highly frustrating and aggravating, and certainly blocks effective communication and problem solving.   Thus, the first step is to listen carefully to what the other is saying, with a focus on really hearing, understanding and letting the other know that their point has been accurately received.  This requires that the listener not be reacting, interrupting or rehearsing their response while the other is speaking.  For many, this may be among the most difficult skills to master, particularly if they have an emotional response to the speaker or the message. And, the more difficult it is, the more important it is to do it well.  

• Be quiet and listen. 
• Make eye contact. 
• Focus on their words.
• Tell them what you heard. 
• Be open to correction or clarification.

Validating:  Validating means letting the speaker know that what they have said makes sense, that it is a valid reaction or response to the situation as seen from their point of view.  Note that validating is not agreeing with what the person said.  Every person will have a different perspective, sometimes very different perspective, on a situation. Each perspective, as received and interpreted by that individual, is valid and worthy of consideration.  If I suspect that you think my point of view is nonsense or not valid, I am hardly motivated to continue our communication with an open mind. 

• Imagine seeing the situation from the perspective of the speaker. 
• Reflect to them your understanding of their response or reaction. 
• This may sound like "I can see how this situation, seen from your perspective, would have been so frustrating for you."

Empathizing: 

To empathize with someone means to take the next step in their shoes and actually try to imagine what their experience may be like. It is as if you are trying to feel a bit of what they are feeling.  Effective empathy requires being able to imagine the experience of another, often by recalling similar circumstances in our own experience.  Effectively empathizing with someone communicates a real understanding, appreciation and acceptance of their experience, their point of view and their feelings. To be heard, understood and felt at that level, is a powerfully healing force and one that most often nurtures an atmosphere of open communication and give and take in problem solving.

• Empathy might sound like: "I can imagine how angry and frustrated you must feel in this situation."

John Goll is an Indiana Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). He helps couples, families and individuals understand the patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that keep them from having the relationships and the successes that they desire, while working with them to mobilize their ability and power to make the choices and changes that will make a real difference in their lives.