Mental Health Indiana

As a society and as individuals we don't grieve very well.  It is ironic that for most of us, gains and celebrations of new things are the stuff of good conversations and social interaction from pleasant to jovial and even triumphant.  Births, marriages, promotions, new homes and graduations are all met with parties, decorations, smiles, laughter and all manner of open and public displays of delight, joy and celebration.  Yet, because every gain or success must have an end, there are almost certainly at least as many losses in our lives as gains.  Isn't it odd that the act of grieving is not only poorly done, if is it acknowledged at all, and that it is also one of the most actively suppressed emotional states we can experience?

In The Grief Recovery Handbook, authors James and Friedman describe six myths about how we "should" respond to grief according to the social messages most of us learn:

• Don't feel bad - (deny it, lie to yourself about it, suppress your feelings)
• Replace the loss - (eat or drink something, drink to feel better, find another to replace what was lost, shift the focus of attention elsewhere)
• Grieve alone - (isolate, don't burden others with your loss, your feelings are unacceptable to others)
• Give it time - (ignore it, repress the memories, hope for a miracle)
• Be strong for others - (shift the focus, ignore it)

·         Keep busy - (deny it, exhaust your physical energy so you won't feel emotions) 

Unfortunately, these myths and attitudes do nothing to resolve the sense of loss and may contribute to destructive behaviors, isolation, guilt, blaming, hopelessness, resentment, depression and even suicide.  Sadly, they largely comprise the usual way that most people have learned to respond to grief.

If we think of grief as the feelings, memories and experiences that come as a result of any perceived physical, emotional or spiritual loss, is it clear that everyone has opportunities to experience grief.  As a natural and expected human condition, grief must be accepted, understood, and allowed to take its natural course.  It has been said that the cure for grief is to share it.  There is much wisdom in this simple statement in that it reflects the dynamic that the feelings I can name and discuss openly seem to have less power over me.  Those things I can bring into my consciousness and share with others, and for which I am offered caring and acknowledgement, become more manageable.

Recovery from grief involves being able to claim your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you, finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again, and being able to enjoy fond memories without overwhelming emotional reactions.  It is NOT "getting over it."  Grief recovery involves:

• Honoring the feelings and allowing them to be heard
• Letting what is painful be painful
• Allowing open sharing of memories, regrets, anger and resentment
• Expecting grief feelings to come back, to be triggered by events, dates and places and memories - and welcoming them
• Talking about what you wish had been different
• Considering what and who needs to be forgiven
• And, when you are ready, allowing yourself to feel better

The process of grief recovery must focus on achieving emotional completion around the loss, discovering and completing what was unfinished, and saying what was unsaid.  It is a natural, healing and growth-producing process, though often an uncomfortable one. 

John Goll is an Indiana Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). He helps couples, families and individuals understand the patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that keep them from having the relationships and the successes that they desire, while working with them to mobilize their ability and power to make the choices and changes that will make a real difference in their lives. 

Comments

Add New Search RSS

Write comment

Name: Email:  do not notifynotify Website: Title: UBBCode:         -color-aquablackbluefuchsiagraygreenlimemaroonnavyolivepurpleredsilvertealwhiteyellow -size-tinysmallmediumlargehuge     Please input the anti-spam code that you can read in the image.