Mental Health Indiana

Rules, structure, consequences, time-outs, restrictions - all are words that children hate and many parents dread.  For all they are dreaded however, there is almost nothing - short of love - that children need more. 

From the beginning, a child focuses on exploring the world, on getting to know what is around them and pushing the edge of what is familiar.  When they are babies setting safe boundaries is pretty easy.  We put the sides up on the crib, place dangerous things out of reach, and dress them properly.  As they grow we move things out of their path, and we set limits on where they can go and what they can do without our supervision.  Boundaries provide safety and security, even if they do not like them.

As they grow and their capabilities expand, the boundaries that keep them safe and keep their behavior appropriate must expand as well.  Even though they grow more capable and want more freedom, the need for boundaries and limits does not go away.  In fact, boundaries must be clearer, stronger and carry even more significant consequences as they get older. 

The difficulty is that children get increasingly rebellious and defiant as they grow.  They challenge the rules and boundaries, they want more freedom, and they may resent consequences and limitations.  To grow, challenge and push the limits is their job.  That is how they learn.  To keep them safe and appropriately limited so they can learn how to behave and get along in a world of rules and limits, including those that seem unfair, is the job of parents.

Every child needs rules and limits.  From birth until they leave home there must be clear and specific rules for appropriate behavior and equally clear and specific consequences.  To be effective, consequences should in the form of time-outs or restrictions, and they must be applied consistently, without anger or retribution, each and every time a rule is violated.

• Keep rules short, clear and specific, such that a violation is clear and not debatable.
• Keep consequences short, simple and as certain as the rising sun.  They are not punishment, but consequences of a choice that violated a rule.
• Avoid scolding, lecturing, shaming or disparaging comments or insults - they send damaging subconscious messages and don't improve behavior.
•  Remember rules are a product of your love and your willingness to do whatever it takes to your child safe and teach them how to be successful in the world.
•  Above all, when your child objects, gets angry, insults or challenges you - DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

Parenting is a tough job and everyone needs support and help from time to time.  Raising children was never meant to be a solitary task.  Get help, find support and give yourself a break.

John Goll is an Indiana Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). He helps couples, families and individuals understand the patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that keep them from having the relationships and the successes that they desire, while working with them to mobilize their ability and power to make the choices and changes that will make a real difference in their lives. 

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