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The Holidays are Over Now What? An Emotional Check Up
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The presents have been opened,we all feel 10 pounds of e xtra weight and we’ve spent time with family. Now that its January, and the whole year is ahead, I’d like to suggest that instead of the traditional New Year’s Resolutions, each of us take a look at our family situations and evaluate how they impact our life. The purpose of this reflection would be to determine if we are happy with the status quo or if we would like to make changes before next year’s holiday. In essence, I am suggesting something akin to tax planning. We all have to pay taxes. Can we analyze the last holiday season and determine if we paid too much or just the right amount. If it was too much, is there anything we can do to reduce next year’s payment? Parents For those of us who still have living parents, is it worthwhile to examine this relationship? When you are with your parents, do you feel like an adult or do you revert back to the roles of childhood? Are these old roles still useful or even relavent? Are you angry and hurt after spending time with your parents? Could this be because you are carrying old resentments and expectations of them? How likely are your parents to change? Unless they are highly motivated or insightful, people who have lived their live a certain way are unlikely to change no matter how much they love us. What can potentially change is how we view our relationship with our parents. Many things factor into our openness for change. Perhaps we realize that our parents’ health is declining. Maybe we consider the pain that our parents faced in their own lives and as we mature we can better understand how this might have impacted their world view. Finally maybe we get to a point in our life where we just try to forgive them and move on. If there is tension when spending time with parents, consider changing your view of them to reduce this tension, not for them but for you. This is difficult to do alone and may require the aid of an objective person like a therapist. Siblings Siblings share the same upbringing and often know us better and longer than any other person in our lives yet distance can be present both emotionally and geographically. Issues like birth order, perceived favoritism and simply differences in personality can contribute to this distance. When evaluating the sibling relationship it is useful to look at if you were ever close to each other and when this changed. How are you alike and different? If there has been a rivalry since you were both little, what were you competing for? Does this still matter to either of you? Often siblings unite as their parents age and they begin to parent their parents. If you have the opportunity to spend time with your sibling, try to get to know them as they are today. Often our perceptions of our siblings are as they were as children. Be open to the possibilty of discovereing a new friend in a sibling. Friends Just as we analyze our family relationships, so may you also analyze your friendships. At times when family bonds are tenuous, friends fill in the emotional gaps. Other times friends may disappoint for a variety of reasons. Now might be a good time to review your freindships. Are my friends good friends to me? What kind of a friend am I? Who might I like to get close to this year and how might I accomplish that? As you examine relationships in the post holiday season, consider if they are they are working for you. If so, keep up the good work. If not would you like for things to be different. Specifically what would you like to change and what would it cost to make that change. Consider being as intentional about your relationship planning as you are about your taxes. In the end, the payoff might be greater. If you decide to make an appointment for an individual therapy session, here is what to expect. The initial meeting will primarily consist of taking a thorough history of the problem and any precipitating factors. I will then take a history of your family of origin, going as far back as you can recall. I will be looking for family patterns as well as birth order and history of mental illness, substance abuse and violence. I will ask questions about current relationships, work and social activities to get a clear picture of your life. Finally, we will mutually set goals for what you want to accomplish for therapy and when we will know therapy is finished. Individuals come to therapy for many different meetings. There may be a specific crisis that prompts a visit or a long standing issue that you would like to resolve. Some people come to therapy for personal growth or because they just don't feel their life is how they want it to be. Therapy can be a place to learn how to modify one's thinking, think of problems in different ways or just have someone objective to talk to. At times, individuals come to therapy to discuss problems in their marriage. As a general rule, this is less helpful than couples therapy unless there are issues of safety involved. If you are unhappy in your marriage yet want to stay married, I will encourage you to bring your spouse to sessions over time to work on the relationship together. This concept may also apply in other family situations. While the individual may be the focus of attention, it may be helpful at times to bring in other family members and I will discuss this with you if the need arises. As always the number of sessions depends on progress and readiness for change. Typically you will know when you are done and people frequently come for a series of sessions, take a break and return when they are ready to look at different issues or progress to another level. Work through ruts and roadblocks to achieve success in your relationships, your profession, and your life as a whole. Collaborative coaching supports clients in developing abundant joy and satisfaction in their lives. My work is focused on:Individual and Couple's CoachingMarriage and Family CounselingPersonal GrowthProfessional DevelopmentEstablishing and Cultivating Community I am currently completing an internship at the CTS Counseling Center as required for a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. My background includes graduate studies in Industrial/Organizational Psychology at IUPUI and a B.S. degree in Social Psychology from the University of Oregon. Contact me through any of the ways listed for available appointments or for screening and consultation. All the best to you. marriage and family therapy, individual consultation and coaching, pastoral psychotherapy, certified imago relationship therapist This lesson demonstrates the skills involved in approaching another person to engage in an activity and perhaps develop a friendship. It shows an anxious, hesitant boy approaching another isolated child with an offer to play together, followed by them both inviting a third child to join them. It presents the boy approaching and introducing himself to another while using eye contact and a pleasant tone of voice.

 
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