Mental Health Indiana

Use "I" statements.  When you say "I feel...," I think...," "I want..." you take responsibility for yourself and let others know who you are and where you stand. Although "you" statements may seem more comfortable and conversational, they allow room to not be fully responsible for thoughts or actions, as well as contributing to misunderstanding.   For example, compare these statements: 

• "You know, when you really want something and just can't get it, you really feel frustrated and even angry."  (Who is being talked about?  What is the speaker trying to say?)
• "When I really want something and can't get it I really feel frustrated and angry." (See, that's clearer, isn't it?)

Watch out for "but."  It has been said that when there is a "but" in a sentence, either whatever came before it or what comes after it is a lie. For example:  "I like your work, but what you did today was not very good."   (He doesn't like the work at this moment does he?); or: "I don't want to hurt your feelings but you were pretty offensive." (Here the "but" really means "I am going to hurt your feelings anyway.")

Try using "and" instead of "but."  Like this: "I like your work, and, what you did today was not very good." (The "and" allows both statements to be true.) ; or: "I don't want to hurt your feelings, and, you were pretty offensive." (Again, both things can be true.)

John Goll is an Indiana Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). He helps couples, families and individuals understand the patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that keep them from having the relationships and the successes that they desire, while working with them to mobilize their ability and power to make the choices and changes that will make a real difference in their lives. 

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