Mental Health Counseling Indianapolis Indiana

From time to time, we all experience such disruptions and find that they quickly overpower our best efforts to maintain an emotional equilibrium. Unchecked, our internal  responses to such upsets can spill into our conversations, distract us from work we have to do, erode our patience, trigger arguments, and turn what seemed to be a challenging situation into a mess.

            The famous Swiss psychologist Carl Jung spoke of the human shadow which can be loosely defined as those parts of ourselves that we pretend are not there, that we hide from others, and that we do not want anyone to know about.  Like our literal shadow, those inner secret parts follow us all the time.  Sometimes we get hints that they are there, but most of the time we do not see them.  Being aware of our shadows can give us some power over them and allow us to learn how they work against us.

Examples of shadows might be inner thoughts such as “I am not attractive,”  “I am not worthy,” or “I do not need or want anyone close to me in my life.”  If we are not aware of how they work, shadows can lead us to undermine our best intentions.  A shadow-based thought might sound like: “Since I believe I am not worthy of being loved, I will give you a reason to reject me.  I will unconsciously sabotage our relationship because it hurts less if I do it myself.”

In a similar way, we humans are built for balance.  A poem that relates the teachings of a Lakota elder to a young man explains the concept this way:

"In life there is sadness as well as joy;
Losing as well as well as winning;
Falling as well as standing;
Hunger as well as plenty;
Bad as well as good.

Use "I" statements.  When you say "I feel...," I think...," "I want..." you take responsibility for yourself and let others know who you are and where you stand. Although "you" statements may seem more comfortable and conversational, they allow room to not be fully responsible for thoughts or actions, as well as contributing to misunderstanding.   For example, compare these statements: 

• "You know, when you really want something and just can't get it, you really feel frustrated and even angry."  (Who is being talked about?  What is the speaker trying to say?)
• "When I really want something and can't get it I really feel frustrated and angry." (See, that's clearer, isn't it?)

Watch out for "but."  It has been said that when there is a "but" in a sentence, either whatever came before it or what comes after it is a lie. For example:  "I like your work, but what you did today was not very good."   (He doesn't like the work at this moment does he?); or: "I don't want to hurt your feelings but you were pretty offensive." (Here the "but" really means "I am going to hurt your feelings anyway.")

Try using "and" instead of "but."  Like this: "I like your work, and, what you did today was not very good." (The "and" allows both statements to be true.) ; or: "I don't want to hurt your feelings, and, you were pretty offensive." (Again, both things can be true.)